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I was a school counselor for 12+ years. When I was in college for this role, there were plenty of things that I didn't imagine doing. One of those things was dealing with angry parents. It honestly never occurred to my 20 year old brain that I would need to learn skills for this. But, as parents, we can all be a bit sensitive when it comes to our kids. I actually got really good intervening with angry parents. (Not that I every really wanted to add this accomplishment to my resume...I'd much rather avoid confrontation if possible.)
One day, I could hear someone shouting in the front office. The place where parents are in and out...AND little kids. It's not the best place for confrontation.
I left my office to see what was going on. I walked in to find a parent upset and shouting at the school secretary. She and the nurse were wide eyed and a bit frustrated. Their logic was not getting through to this angry mom.
"Can I be helpful?" I said. "How about you come to my office so I can get a better understanding of what is going on."
THANK YOU! our secretary mouthed to me. (It can be really upsetting for a 5 year old to walk into the office to see this type of scene)
By the time I finished talking with this mom, she hugged me, apologized, and was appreciative of the work our school was doing...EVEN THOUGH, I didn't give her what she was demanding at first.
Was that some kind of magic mind control?
NOPE...just something I learned about how our brains are wired. Once you know this bit of information, you can use it too!
It's called co-regulation. If you look up the definition of co-regulation, it's kind of hard to follow. I'll tell you a simple way to think about it. Our brains are wired to pick up on emotional cues from others and then react to their signals. Ever noticed that when someone gets upset nearby, your heart starts to race a bit too? There's this constant interplay between people and our emotional states influence each others'.
Being the target of someone's anger, can cause you to feel angry and defensive. BUT... if you are AWARE of your emotional state...YOU can control YOUR emotional state. Then YOUR emotional state, influences the other persons. Like magic!
So, back in my office with this really angry and upset mom, I listened to what she was upset about but MORE IMPORTANTLY, I slowed down my breath. Even more than I would normally breath. Extending my exhale, slowwws my heartrate. I'm not responding to her anger with anger. I'm responding with a calm demeanor. I also made sure that my body language was open and relaxed. Not defensive or aggressive.
It wasn't long before this mom, calmed right down too. She didn't know it but we were co-regulating. We always are!
Co-regulation works with anyone because it is a natural function of our brains. Try it sometime!
You can use this with your friends, coworkers, your spouse, and your own children. It can be tremendously helpful in all kinds of situations. Also, you may find it interesting to notice how your own emotions are influenced by those around you.
It reminds me of this quote:
"Be the change that you wish to see in the world." ~Gandhi
If you found this helpful, share it with a friend!
Much Love,
Stacey
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